I had a relationship with someone on March-June. Just during the first lockdown. It all happened so fast, we just got to know each other for 2 weeks, and there we go. I thought we resonated with each other in so many ways, and so I decided to let myself fall too fast, too deep. The lockdown allowed us to spend more time with each other too much before we built enough tolerance for each other. And in 3 months, we got to realise how different we were before we should.

I was the one who ended the relationship. Classic me, always trying to end a relationship just to save myself. For months after the relationship, I was guilt-ridden. Because I knew I could’ve tried harder. Tried being less emotional, tried being less demanding, less expecting. I could’ve had him still. Cause for all I know, I still cared about him. I still wanted to be someone who could always make him happy. And at the same time, “fix” him. Little did I know, that I would’ve never been able to do that. Not in the state I was in, and not with him.

The relationship was taking a toll on my self-esteem and confidence. I always thought that he’s out of my league. During the whole relationship, I was always trying to be enough for him. At the same time, I would expect him to see that effort and appreciate it, and make me feel better. I could see that he has his share of insecurities too, but I still wanted him to focus on mine. My partner’s communication style was very direct. He’s honest, straightforward, blunt; and he expects others to do the same. Me, I needed someone to understand me with empathy, who’d try to understand me even when I don’t express with words. He’s not about that. So a lot of times communication became our problem, especially during arguments. Our love languages are also different. Words of affirmation is the main way to make me feel loved. For him, words are cheap. He’s more into acts of service, which I could also see. But still, I thought when someone loves you, they’d put the effort. I was wrong. I was just lucky to have my previous partners invest their energy in doing that for me.

In the end, I realised I was expecting him to fill me in the ways I need to be filled. Don’t get me wrong, when I love someone, I love fiercely. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. They would become my main theme, and I would invest most of my energy, thoughts, and time for them. But then I didn’t realise that I expect them to put the same effort for me, in the same ways. Cause I have this void to be filled, that came from years of self-doubt and self-deprecation, and once I get into a relationship, I expect my partner to do the job. In the end, it’s a cycle of trying to fill someone’s glass with the water that I don’t have, and expect them to pour it back.

That’s not how love should be. Now I understand that it should be more about giving, not taking. And yes, it’s a two-way thing; but it only works if both focus on how much they give rather than how much they take. And that’s only possible if you have enough love inside you to give to your partner, starting from yourself. Once you feel enough, you’re free of expectations and demands that your partner constantly try to fill you and complete you; and appreciate more when they do.

Our relationship triggered a lot of insecurities inside me. It’s not your fault. But thanks to it, I started seeking ways to love and appreciate myself more. And realised how I should love myself before having the audacity to try and love someone. It’s all thanks to you. And I’m sorry that I forced us into relationship when I wasn’t ready, and burdened you with expectations and demands for you to love me the way I wanted to be loved, tried to change and fix you. Honestly, you left a scar and I hated you for that. But I’m grateful for all the good times we’ve spent, and I appreciate even the smallest effort you gave to understand me and make me happy. I’m sorry if I hurt you too. Although it might not be the case for you, moving on from you was hard for me. But I know that this is for the better. I will keep on learning to love myself more, and you should too. Hope you can find your happiness.