Some time ago, I was really overwhelmed with the many changes that happened in my life in just a short amount of time. Then I decided to let myself go. I took some chemicals to my system more than I should. I was fine until I realised I was not. Then I decided to look for help.

Just before I started falling into this downward spiral, I called my close friend back in Indonesia to make sure I was okay for what’s going to happen. I also woke my housemate up and with all the willpower I have left, I tried to form words and communicate to her, asking her to email my workplace that I will not be able to go to work the next day. And so it started.

I remembered just on the “gate” before the trip started, my friend told me “whatever you see, whatever happens, remember that it’s just the chemical”. Those words were the ones I tried to latch on to the whole night. I was just trying to sleep but then I kept waking up to the sound of our cat meowing. And every time I woke up, I saw the cat wandering around my room and my housemate- who I had asked to sleep next to me at that time, tried to “ssshhh” the cat, looked at me, rubbed my arm, and said “it’s okay. it’s alright”. It’s not long before I realised that the same scene kept happening over and over again and I started to realise that I was stuck in this time loop; and eventually thought I must have overdosed and gone mental.

I then started regretting my decision to let myself go that night. Just one dumb decision. Leading to overdosing and possibly dying soon. I imagined my real body, just staring at a blank space in an asylum or on the street, with my mind stuck in this bedroom with my housemate and cat in my head. And all I could do was hope for someone to snap me out of it and save me. I could hear my friend on the phone asking “are you okay” now and then and that was the only thing I could latch onto to remind myself that it was just the chemical. But the time loop was so overwhelming that I believed more in the fact that it’s actually real and I was slowly going into despair. I just wanted to leave that room, wake up, and resume my normal life. I started thinking about what could have been had I not taken the thing.. and what I was missing now that I have gone mental. Every single mental effort I put to snap myself out of it, to get a grip of reality were just taken down by the thought that it was too late. That that was my new reality. I had gone mental and I would be stuck there until I someone saves me. Or until I die.

I started feeling sorry for myself. Going overseas, working hard, building myself. Now I’m psychotic and life just goes on without me. I started thinking about my parents. My friends. How I have disappointed them. My dreams in dance that I have not achieved. It was so painful that I just cried and cried. I kept saying sorry to them, and to Jesus. Eventually I could feel my body start deteriorating and started wishing that it would end soon. Thinking about the fact that I was dying made it worse, to the point that I started wishing for my body to just stop and die. “Make it stop. Just let me die already. Please”. “It’s okay Reinhard, just sleep. Let it go. Just die.” I just kept telling my body to shut down.

Even after that, I did not die and started thinking that nothing mattered anymore then. I couldn’t live. I couldn’t die. I was stuck in this room in this time loop. Might as well do anything I want with it. I might just go out to my ex’s house. Or just go out of the room and explore the street. Or whatever. At least I could make my time loop more interesting. (And even in that moment, I realised this was the common cause of death with people having delirium). Then somehow, I ended up calling someone I used to talk to. Then it shifted the experience completely.

I will spare the details for personal reasons but it made me feel euphoric and hoped once again. I was hopeful that the bad trip would end and after that, my life would turn around. That after this thing is out of my system, I would be completely free from all the stress I’d been experiencing. That I could do the things I’ve always wanted to do. That it would just be butterflies and things would look up all the way, and that person would be with me. I was grateful for him and for my friend and housemate for being there for me through the horrible night (I still am). All I kept muttering was thank you, and sorry that I made such irrational decision to let myself go. I somehow believed that all these sufferings that I had been through in this trip and in my life would make sense when that trip ends. So I kept looking at the time. Somehow I believed it would be out of my system in 12 hours. I kept calling that person’s name to make sure I was still hopeful. To have a grip on this thing that I thought was “reality”. I kept telling myself “you’ll be fine. you’ll be fine”. The traumatic night was ending. Of course, little did I know that I would wake up to a nightmare the next day.

I slowly regained my consciousness. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then as soon as I did, I was horrified by the reality. I had called someone I used to talk to multiple times that night. I woke my housemate at 2AM to email my workplace, in a way that would be absolutely uncanny to them because she had no clue of how I write my emails and address my manager. I threw up on my living room and my carpeted bedroom. It was a horrible mess. I went from feeling euphoric to devastated. What have I just done. I had to ask someone to accompany me the next day because I was confused the whole day, could not focus and had a tight chest and throat. My mood was fluctuating uncontrollably. And I was still worried that I was gonna die and not sure if I could move on from the dreadful trip I had the night before. Wished that it was not the reality and still wished that I could wake up to a better one. This kept going on for two days.

All in all, it was a traumatising experience. Never in my life will I ever let that thing into my system anymore. But I did reflect and picked up some things along the way. As much as they were just manifestations of the chemicals, the physical and psychological experience that I’ve experienced were real to me. I was there. I guess they made me learn that:

• Life is so short and you could literally die anytime from one single silly decision or unfortunate external causes. Therefore make use of every moments and be grateful for the smallest things.
• All the “bad” things that have caused me stress didn’t seem as bad anymore just because I’ve experienced a “near-death experience”. Yes they weren’t real, but I really thought I was gonna die that time. All in all, I started feeling that whatever I have been anxious and worried about were quite trivial.
• With the time I’m given, I need to focus on whatever matters to me. And these things are what I decide for myself. I decide what matters in my life, for me. No one can and should tell me otherwise.

I am still recovering from this and sometimes I think the effect still lingers. But at least it made me realise these important lessons that I will hold onto for the rest of my life.