The past few weeks have been quite hard for me. Moving house, starting my last semester at uni (and now a few weeks behind due to moving), sudden financial distress, leaving a relationship, family problem. I feel overwhelmed by the many changes in my life. And although I consider myself strong and have many people around who love and support me, I still felt like I was drowning.

This manifests in me crying at random times everyday. When I get home, at work, on the street. I felt like dark clouds are over my head all day everyday and it was hard for me to focus. Every time that happened, I reached out to my close friends and tried to ask them to accompany me. And despite that, I still felt like they wouldn’t understand what I was going through, because I honestly didn’t completely understand either. And that made me feel even lonelier. It was so tiring feeling so dark and gloomy everyday. Especially topped with the traumatic experience I shared in the previous post. Interestingly, despite having worse life challenges in the past, I have never felt them manifest like this in my life. I felt like it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel- it’s as if I was drowning in this dark water and trying hard to stay on the surface. I just keep trying everyday not to cry, and I desperately wanted to get through this.

I guess it’s a bad timing coinciding with losing someone I used to talk to and share affection with almost everyday in the previous three months. It left a hole in me. Despite knowing that the relationship was not good for me, I still had emotional attachment to the person. I think I gave my all in that relationship. I really did give my best even when I could not. I think a part of me felt those efforts were not appreciated enough and now in vain. Hence why it was quite painful for me. This made it harder to go through all the other challenges that I have been going through.

I am just grateful that I have the best people around me who loved me and were patient with me throughout these gloomy days. Alicia. Dela. Romano. Ferry. I can never thank them enough for constantly checking on me and making sure I am okay. Despite my random calls, being out of it and acting strangely around them, gave them shit. They still loved me and tried to understand me regardless. I’m so lucky to have them and other people who I know are ready to support me whenever. I am thankful to God too. I listened to religious Christian music and they calmed me down, made me feel safe like how I felt when I was a child.

I’m starting to take some supplements to calm my anxiety and stress. I’m having my first counseling session tomorrow, wish me luck! Hoping to get the old me back, or maybe even a better one. But I will definitely get over this soon. 🙂