Halo. Aku tulis di sini aja. Somehow I believe talking to you won’t give me any closure. If anything, it might make me feel worse about myself. ‘Cause you’re always so cool-headed, calm, and hero-like. And I always showed how I feel, and let myself be vulnerable in front of you. Now I know that was foolish of me.

First off, thank you for the past 8 months. I’ve always enjoyed our companionship even though I’d never seen you in person. You always made me feel safe, comfortable, warm. It’s amazing how talking to someone with the same native language just hit you different. Despite how different our backgrounds were, I felt like you’re always so down to earth and treated me “special” anyway.

The first few months were great. I came with no expectations at all. We both did not believe in long-distance commitments either. So we talked as close friends, with a little bit of sweet talk here and there. Your voice was the calm I needed after a rough day. And it was fine even though we were not exclusive. We just needed to talk to each other to make this world feel less lonely. Then you started to introduce me to your friends. That’s when I started thinking that this could be something more for you.

Then I started seeing someone else and you decided to let me go. And that’s totally fair because I told you to look for someone else anyway. We knew we would sooner or later. But then I broke up and you came back. I took too much chemical and you were there the whole night as I experienced ego death and came back to life. When my mind was gasping for air and I started remembering myself, you were there to remind me I’ll be okay. I did not tell you, but that whole night, your voice was the one thing I latched onto to survive when I decided it’s okay to let myself die. And so, you became annoyingly important to me and our interactions started affecting me more than they should. I know it’s just the chemicals, but how inconvenient it was.

Since then, I could not stop thinking about you. Every single day. Waiting for your message. And I did not want to be a burden because you said you wanted to move on. So I tried to distract myself as much as I could. But every single time your name appeared on my screen, endorphins and serotonin rushed throughout my backbone. You would say you like me. You would say “love you” when I told you you shouldn’t. You would say you’d pick me up in Bali when I go back to Indonesia in July. You would say you’re excited to see me. Date me. Kiss me. And as much as I dismissed them as I knew better than to trust someone I’d never shared a physical space with, you became something I look forward to in my upcoming trip. “Us” became something I look forward to.

And here I am. At Changi Airport. On my way back to Melbourne. I only met you twice during my 3-week trip. Both times, I was the one who asked you out. Both times, I was the one showing my affections when you were as cold as ice. You did not pick me up in Bali or even meet me there at all even when you cheekily said you wouldn’t tell me the date you might be coming (preparing a surprise? don’t worry, you nailed it). Or pick me up at the airport in Surabaya even when you said at least my family should, and even when you had nothing on that night. But you really forgot what you said didn’t you?

‘Cause as much as you won’t admit it, I noticed that you only called me when you’re drinking. When you needed someone to accompany you drive home when you’ve had too much. And as much as you won’t acknowledge it, there are a lot of things that I said that you keep forgetting. And as much as I realised that, I still chose to believe in you anyway. I chose to indulge in your affection, our late night calls, your sweet talks, cause they made me feel special.

Well, now it served me right. Blindly choosing to believe in someone like you was my mistake. I was just trying to fit you into an ideal that never existed. I realised that when I finally met you. You never cared. You never liked me. Or you did, but you did not have the guts to tell me that you stopped liking me even when I asked you on that second day we met. Or maybe you found someone else. Things would have been so much easier if you just said it to me. You made me wonder what I did wrong, what I could have done better, and whether I did not look good enough. You should not have said you still liked me and then treated me like a stranger you just found on the internet and decided you really didn’t wanna hook up with. And even if you felt that, you could have just said it to my face and gotten it over with. After 8 months of knowing you, accompanying you, and sharing pieces of your life, at least I deserved that honesty. At least, I deserved your text saying that you’re not interested to see me anymore. At least, you did not have to make me constantly wonder and wait for you to ask me out during my trip. Cause you truly did not deserve to be the highlight of it like I thought you would be.

You made me feel so stupid when I kept trying to be vulnerable during those two days that we met and having you treat me cold in return. And after a few days of crying and nights of having sad dreams about us (again, it might still be a consequence of that bad trip), I finally opened my eyes and realised that all this time, I liked someone that never existed. You made me feel special when you might be doing the same to other people. At least I was honest when I did. All those sweet talks.. God I was so dumb to fall for them.

On the brighter note, at least we know how we are to each other. I am grateful that we did not make any rash decisions to commit to anything cause I would have never wanted someone like you. At least I never lightly said “love” to you ’cause I never did. Even when I tried my best to show it by preparing and bringing back home something special just for you. Even when I expressed my affections anyway when you did not. Cause actions speak louder than words and it seems like it’s the other way around on your side. You never deserved me. And even when my inner demon sometimes said to me you might just be out of my league, it’s irrelevant to me because I do not want someone like you.

Thank you for the good time. Hope I was a good drinking buddy for you. Even though it’s short-lived, our companionship helped me get through some of the hardest times. But I guess it’s time to move on.

Have a good life.