Written 17 Dec 2023, completed 15 Jan 2024.

Hello. I’m finally home after a long day! In fact, these past few weeks have been quite busy for me, with a lot of dancey-dance things going on. To be very honest? It’s been very tiring- but at the same time, and mostly, fulfilling. I feel so grateful to have these platforms to share a piece of myself through dance, whether it be dance classes, performances, or projects.

I had a reflection tonight about confidence and the spectrum of ways that people express it. As someone who wouldn’t boast about his confidence himself, I very much find confidence very inspiring. Some of you might be surprised- I can seem quite confident in general, especially in roles where I have to present myself in front of people. Somehow when it’s me against a large audience, I tend to be more confident. It’s more challenging when it’s one-on-one- moreover, when it’s with my own thoughts.

Honestly? I think I would’ve skyrocketed if I do have a strong confidence. A lot of barriers that I have are very much from my own negative self-talk that’s been nesting since I was very young. It got better and more manageable with time, as I found kind souls along the way who helped me believe in myself. But 100% confidence in general is truly something I am still working towards. Anyhow, that’s not the core of my thoughts today. All I’m saying is, I sometimes wish I have more confidence like some people that I know do. The kind that believes in themselves 100%. In what they do. In how they present themselves. Always speak positively of themselves and have no fear nor modesty of appreciating themselves publicly. Do not seem to have negative self-talk. Seem to believe very much in their creations. Not afraid to show off themselves to the world. And create. And do what they want and feel like without being affected by external pressure and expectations. And just…..DO. I wish that was more natural to me.

However, my observations of people who are confident made me realise that there is a very thin line between confidence and arrogance. I realised that some of the ways confidence manifests in the people that I observe never felt right to me in ways that I hadn’t been able to pinpoint. After thinking about it and being exposed more to them, I realise that there are textures to confidence (I sound very much like a dancer, I know)- and as unpleasant as it sounds, confidence can feel very “sharp”, for the lack of a better word.

Sharp confidence for me is the kind of confidence that is very bold, so much so that it builds a strong wall between a person and the outer world, or other people. It’s a belief in oneself so strong, that a boundary start to build between themselves and others. We hear this saying often these days, “Protect your energy”- and I’m all about that. But often times I realise when someone is so committed to protecting our energy, it can end up diminishing others’ inadvertently. This can be due to a lack of open-mindedness, or the disinterest of others (opinions, values, presence, ideas) that’s shown due to over-investment in one’s self. In the end, the confidence comes across as condescending or egotistical.

I had a conversation with some of my closest friends about this, and we came to a theory that this might also have been amplified by the current “self-love” campaign and ideas that have been bombarded in social media especially in the past few years. If you know me, I very much support this and have also been learning to love myself. However, I do think that coupled with the fact that we are in the era of personalisation, too much self-love for naive and closeted minds can become dangerous.

Softer confidence, on the other hand, is the kind of confidence that feels more grounded. It’s not on offense mode. You look at someone with this confidence and they don’t look like an impenetrable wall or an armed fortress ready to seize everything down their path. They look like human beings that are strong internally, and have a good circulation of energy around them. They can exchange energy with people without being affected internally. If anything, their energy feels like it purifies the air around them. They are very much aware that the world does not revolve around them, but still very much respect themselves as the main character in their own story. They respect others’ presence and the diversity of ways people live in this world, but they believe very well in their own.

This is the kind of confidence that I want to emulate. I hope I can learn and practice this soft and grounded confidence more and more in my life.