I just came back from Taiwan.

Even too many words won’t be sufficient to express the beautiful experience that I’ve had there. This became the first foreign country I traveled to as an adult without any dance-related event as the main purpose. It’s also the first foreign country that I traveled to with Edwin, other than Indonesia.

I have been feeling bittersweet since I came back to Melbourne on Sunday. It was something that I had been looking forward to for a while, and it lived beyond my expectations. Everything felt so beautiful, so surprising, and so right. Even with the itinerary that I prepared, I was never ready for the blissful, peaceful, kind energy that effortlessly flowed in the air. People there are very kind, very warm. I hadn’t had the time to process the whole experience until a friend of mine asked an unexpected question tonight: “What’s your takeaway from the trip? And non-dance related.” Takeaway? Uncanny as I thought it was, I decided to try and pull the right answer from within.

Noticing who I am as a person, in how I interact with people, in how I present myself – and how that felt like a solidification of growth in the things I’ve been working towards. When you’re in a foreign land, where your routine and obligations are stripped away, and you have to communicate in a different way due to a different native language – it forces you to be mindful and navigate more consciously. This was a chance for me to observe the values that drive my actions, my choices in communication, and other things that make up my identity and how I interact with the world around me.

While this can happen for another destination, I believe every space holds a different essence that serves as a catalyst in their own ways. Taiwan, and the strong sense of kindness, art, and humanity that fills the atmosphere, became a beautiful catalyst as I interacted with it. The feeling of warmth and safety that wrapped around me allowed me to express myself in ways that are genuine to me and reminded me of my identity and the person that I strive to be. I must say, seeing myself as a third person on this trip made me feel happy and proud. I feel inspired to hold onto the kindness and humanity that the Taiwanese people showed.

This convinced me even more that traveling and exploring another terrain, whether it’s physical or psychological, is essential to human growth. At the very least, it helps solidify the growth that you’ve been working for. A dance mentor once told me that the way to break out of a dance rut and push through is by traveling and exploring different dance communities. While it’s true for me after interacting with the Taiwanese dance community, I also believe it applies to every other aspect of life.

And before I wrap this post up, I wanted to share a few pictures that showed some of the highlights of this trip for me. Chifeng Street, all the cats, exploring with Edwin, spending time with Angelica and Jerome, the tasty food, and still getting my ass to the gym despite being on a holiday (who is she? I’m so proud).

Hello. I turned 30 this year which is amazing! No one would have expected this behind this baby face and child-like demeanor. I know. Most people probably think I’m just a mature 25 year-old.

So far, it hasn’t been as scary as I expected it would be. I thought as I turned 30, I would be overcome with remorse over the things that I failed to achieve – that everything was too late. Don’t get me wrong, these thoughts do come in tiny waves. But what I did not expect was bigger waves of excitement of the endless possibilities that this life has to offer. I’m excited to explore more, cause somehow, life hasn’t ended as I subconsciously thought it would.

I may not have achieved some things off of my list, but I do feel grateful for the things that I did. Not only that, I’m very content and proud of the person that I’ve become. I’m proud that I’ve grown to be kind, compassionate, to value deep connections and to wear my heart on my sleeve. To be able to support myself and my family. To have been able to share my passion for dance to the people around me. Do I want to scale this further? I do, and I will.

I can’t wait to learn a lot of new skills, pick up different languages, and explore the world in this next decade.

Written 17 Dec 2023, completed 15 Jan 2024.

Hello. I’m finally home after a long day! In fact, these past few weeks have been quite busy for me, with a lot of dancey-dance things going on. To be very honest? It’s been very tiring- but at the same time, and mostly, fulfilling. I feel so grateful to have these platforms to share a piece of myself through dance, whether it be dance classes, performances, or projects.

I had a reflection tonight about confidence and the spectrum of ways that people express it. As someone who wouldn’t boast about his confidence himself, I very much find confidence very inspiring. Some of you might be surprised- I can seem quite confident in general, especially in roles where I have to present myself in front of people. Somehow when it’s me against a large audience, I tend to be more confident. It’s more challenging when it’s one-on-one- moreover, when it’s with my own thoughts.

Honestly? I think I would’ve skyrocketed if I do have a strong confidence. A lot of barriers that I have are very much from my own negative self-talk that’s been nesting since I was very young. It got better and more manageable with time, as I found kind souls along the way who helped me believe in myself. But 100% confidence in general is truly something I am still working towards. Anyhow, that’s not the core of my thoughts today. All I’m saying is, I sometimes wish I have more confidence like some people that I know do. The kind that believes in themselves 100%. In what they do. In how they present themselves. Always speak positively of themselves and have no fear nor modesty of appreciating themselves publicly. Do not seem to have negative self-talk. Seem to believe very much in their creations. Not afraid to show off themselves to the world. And create. And do what they want and feel like without being affected by external pressure and expectations. And just…..DO. I wish that was more natural to me.

However, my observations of people who are confident made me realise that there is a very thin line between confidence and arrogance. I realised that some of the ways confidence manifests in the people that I observe never felt right to me in ways that I hadn’t been able to pinpoint. After thinking about it and being exposed more to them, I realise that there are textures to confidence (I sound very much like a dancer, I know)- and as unpleasant as it sounds, confidence can feel very “sharp”, for the lack of a better word.

Sharp confidence for me is the kind of confidence that is very bold, so much so that it builds a strong wall between a person and the outer world, or other people. It’s a belief in oneself so strong, that a boundary start to build between themselves and others. We hear this saying often these days, “Protect your energy”- and I’m all about that. But often times I realise when someone is so committed to protecting our energy, it can end up diminishing others’ inadvertently. This can be due to a lack of open-mindedness, or the disinterest of others (opinions, values, presence, ideas) that’s shown due to over-investment in one’s self. In the end, the confidence comes across as condescending or egotistical.

I had a conversation with some of my closest friends about this, and we came to a theory that this might also have been amplified by the current “self-love” campaign and ideas that have been bombarded in social media especially in the past few years. If you know me, I very much support this and have also been learning to love myself. However, I do think that coupled with the fact that we are in the era of personalisation, too much self-love for naive and closeted minds can become dangerous.

Softer confidence, on the other hand, is the kind of confidence that feels more grounded. It’s not on offense mode. You look at someone with this confidence and they don’t look like an impenetrable wall or an armed fortress ready to seize everything down their path. They look like human beings that are strong internally, and have a good circulation of energy around them. They can exchange energy with people without being affected internally. If anything, their energy feels like it purifies the air around them. They are very much aware that the world does not revolve around them, but still very much respect themselves as the main character in their own story. They respect others’ presence and the diversity of ways people live in this world, but they believe very well in their own.

This is the kind of confidence that I want to emulate. I hope I can learn and practice this soft and grounded confidence more and more in my life.

Last week, I had a chance to catch up with Peter. Finding a time that works for both of us was very hard (yes, one that doesn’t interfere with our important lie-on-bed-doing-nothing me time & conserve-our-energy evenings. Adult friendship is hard, man). But our banter turned out to be very nice and fulfilling.

One question that popped up in our conversation was, “what’s next?” And answering that was not a piece of cake for me.

Love life-wise, I just moved in with my partner, and it’s quite a big thing for us. For now, I think unpacking the layers of living together would be enough in our hands. It is, truly. First, we are currently learning how to feel comfortable doing our own things in the presence of each other. It was quite a challenge since we are so used to the concept of dedicating our time to one another when we meet. But ultimately, we have to be able to sit comfortably in the background of each other’s lives when time calls. It feels nice, sharing the same space while focusing on our things- but also weird just because we still feel like we’re abandoning the other person (I know, call us lovebirds all you want). I think this is something we’re currently learning in terms of cohabiting. Pretty sure there are still billions of layers to unpack.

Dance-wise, I feel like I’m starting to get into the groove of teaching and doing more with my dance again. I took a step away in the middle of the year because I wanted to focus on my new job. Now that I’ve settled in and have more energy, I could do more with my dance. That being said, however, I haven’t really sat down, reconnected, and recalibrated with myself regarding my next steps or what I want to focus on. I only know that after my tiny reroute, I still want to pursue growth and explore more avenues in dance.

I think part of the reason why this question is more challenging for me to answer now is because of a shift in my view towards life. I do acknowledge that, albeit still having the drive to pursue milestones and thrive in the different aspects of my life (and constantly not feeling enough in the process), I have been learning to calm down a little bit – thanks to Edwin. Edwin’s being and presence in my life have been teaching me that I am enough just as I am. That it’s okay for me to just be. As hard as it is for me to digest, I think I am slowly getting better at believing that. I hope I make him feel the same way too.

I want to emulate this and keep my fire going at the same time so that, at the end of this whole journey, I can say that I’ve given my all- and whatever the outcome is will be irrelevant because I am, have always been, and will always be enough as I am. Such a beautiful gift. I feel so privileged to have this man in my life.

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I tried using WordPress’ new AI feature to alter my writing above and holy-moly, I feel like my writing above is a baby’s scribbles compared to the AI-generated one below. LOL. Very interesting. I want to cry. However, it is not me so I will stick to my baby scribbles, thank you.

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Last week, I had the wonderful opportunity to catch up with my dear friend, Peter. It had been quite a challenge to find a time that worked for both of us, considering our busy schedules and our mutual desire to enjoy some much-needed relaxation time. You see, as adults, navigating the realm of friendship can be quite tricky. We strive to strike a balance between our personal interests and responsibilities while also cherishing the moments spent together. However, despite the initial hurdles, our meeting turned out to be incredibly pleasant and fulfilling.

During our conversation, a question arose, one that often lingers in the minds of many – “What’s next?” Suddenly, I found myself pondering the answer, discovering the complexity that lay within.

When it comes to matters of the heart, life has recently presented me with a significant milestone. I have taken the leap and moved in with my partner, a decision that holds great significance for both of us. At present, our focus lies in unraveling the intricacies of cohabitation. It may seem simple on the surface, but there is a depth to it that demands our attention. We are learning how to find comfort in pursuing our individual interests and passions while existing harmoniously within the same space. It is both a challenge and a beautiful journey, as we explore the delicate balance of sharing our lives while still feeling the need for personal freedom. Surely, there are countless layers waiting to be unraveled as we embark on this adventure together.

When it comes to my dance, I feel a sense of rekindled enthusiasm. In the earlier part of the year, I temporarily stepped away from my passion to focus on a new job. Now that I have settled in and regained my energy, I am ready to dive back into the world of dance. However, amidst the excitement, I find myself needing to reconnect with my inner self, to rediscover my aspirations and chart my course for the future. I have a burning desire for personal growth and a hunger to explore new avenues within the realm of dance. It is an ongoing process, a continuous dance of self-discovery and evolution.

Yet, as I pondered the question of “what’s next” in various aspects of my life, I realized that there has been a shift in my perspective. The presence of Edwin, my beloved partner, has taught me a valuable lesson – the importance of self-acceptance and contentment. Through his unwavering love and support, I have come to understand that I am enough just as I am. It is a concept that sometimes challenges me, as I have always strived for perfection and often felt the need to prove myself. However, Edwin’s mere existence in my life has shown me that it is okay to simply be. This realization, although not always easy to digest, has allowed me to embrace my own worthiness. And just as I hope to make Edwin feel the same way, I aspire to emulate this mindset while maintaining my unwavering determination and passion. I want to continue nurturing the flame within me, giving my all to every endeavor, and reaching the end of this journey knowing that I have truly lived. Regardless of the outcomes that lie ahead, I understand that my worthiness is not contingent upon external validation. The gift of self-acceptance is truly a remarkable treasure, and I consider myself immensely fortunate to have Edwin by my side, guiding me on this incredible journey called life.

My sanctuary. The sip of my favourite orange coffee that I always look forward to. The view of wooden ornaments decorating these white walls and the stone-coloured floor. The beautiful light coming through the tall, house-shaped window, vouching for how soothing it feels being here. The comfortable air-conditioned room that shelters you from the scorching heat of Surabaya sun.

This place always feels like an ultimate break from life, where I get to sit down and finally find my ground, remind myself of what a long journey it has been, and that a small kid named Reinhard is silently watching the outside world in awe. Oh, what a life I have made for myself. Such beautiful souls I’ve met. Such good prayers along the way. Here, in this place, the so-called naivety of this kid transforms into a warm and peaceful space. Pure. Untainted. He walks to me. Asks me if he could hug me. He whispers to my ear, “I’m so happy being here with you.”

And for a moment, all the problems in the world goes away. Everything that I’ve been doing feels enough. I stop wondering whether I should have done things differently. The expectations fade away. The thoughts and questions stop echoing. Everything falls into place. The people. The conversations. The cry in that empty room and the kind smiles that make me wonder in disbelief. The overwhelming feelings of love, sadness, anger, fear, hope, and joy. They start to make sense. The intricate, long, and winding narratives become a simple story called life.

Once in a while, the sound of air blowing through the air conditioner and “Maybe You’re The Reason” by The Japanese House playing in the background brings me back and fades out again after a while. The view of the busy traffic outside intertwines with the calm and serene atmosphere inside in a beautiful, harmonious way.

I look at him, smile, and pat his head. “I’m happy being here with you too”, I say to him. I hold his hand and we walk together in his space where he shows me around. I admire his innocence and curiousity. I listen to him as he talks about his dreams and once in a while laugh at his ideas and innocent idealisms.

“Someday, I want to be like you!”, he says. His eyes glimmer with excitement and his lips widen as he turns his head towards me. His words catch me by surprise. I crouch down and look at his eyes. I can’t help but let out that smile. The same kind smile that was given to me by the souls I’ve met along the way. My eyes soften. I put my hand on his little shoulder. “Trust me, I want to be like you”.

Do you remember that scene in The Menu (2022) when Chef Slowik prepared a normal cheeseburger with genuine passion after years of serving fancy-looking dishes to pretentious audiences? That made me want a cheeseburger. So bad. So after months of forgetting that craving, last Sunday I suddenly remembered it and decided to go to McDonald’s with my boyfriend for dinner.

We had been eating out at different restaurants that weekend. So we decided, why not just go to a McDonald’s. Simple and cheap. The night before, we were at this Japanese restaurant called Chotto-Motto with our friends. The place was creatively decorated in a modern-retro Japanese pop culture aesthetic, and the food was an interesting fusion of Japanese and other cuisines. It was great and definitely a more interesting experience than eating at a fast-food chain. But somehow, this Sunday, that McDonald’s cheeseburger became the best meal I’ve had in a long time.

As I was eating the cheeseburger, I was reminded of that time when I was a kid when I kept asking my mom whether I could have a birthday party at McDonald’s, even when she said no multiple times and tried to explain our financial difficulties. I remember how McDonald’s was a fancy meal for us, and I could only gulp and imagine the juiciness of a cheeseburger patty on my tastebuds.

Fast forward two decades later, there I was. Sitting at a McDonald’s in a foreign country where I now live. I don’t eat McDonald’s every day as I dreamt to, no. As the restaurant intended, it has always been a grab-and-go in between teaching classes when I want something quick and cheap. Cheap? Wow. How things have changed. “Fast food is more expensive in Asia, whereas here it’s the other way around”, my boyfriend reminded me. I guess that’s true. But what intrigued me was how funny life is- when I could not afford it, I daydreamed about it. Now that I do, it’s not even something I want regularly.

That is just how life is. You tend to long for something when it’s out of reach, but once it’s within your grasp, you tend to take it for granted. But that moment, eating that cheeseburger for dinner at a McDonald’s in a dodgy part of the city, with my boyfriend, being in no rush, killing time before our movie, was priceless. The realisation of how much my life has changed, and remembering how special that cheeseburger was.. It was easily the best meal I’ve had that week, and gratitude and appreciation were the secret ingredients.

I hope I can continue to appreciate the other cheeseburgers in my life. Big or small. And learn not to take every single one of them for granted.

I’m still stuck on the theme of identity- us being in constant flux and changes (ironically, I haven’t changed).

I think since social media happened, unconsciously we try to fit into the image that we built and defined for ourselves online over the years. Some of us might be stuck with a certain personality- as an extrovert/introvert, someone who likes to party, or an artist who creates their art in a certain style.

It’s not uncommon that we ask ourselves, “Will people like this?”. The external validation might not only be about good or bad, right or wrong- but rather, a question that is more related to our “identity”.

“Is this me?”

“Am I usually like this?”

“It’s not like me to post this kind of thing.

“This is more like ___’s stuff”.

“It looks too different to previous work”.

“It’s very random of me to post this”.

“I’m usually very skeptical of this”.

And then, because we are so used to asking these questions, we unconsciously decide to capture our identity and solidify them into a particular archetype. Even in real life.

We stop ourselves before deciding to try a new activity. Or finally going out for a run when we have the time and energy. Or agreeing to something that intrigue us that we always said no to. We tell ourselves, “Wait, that’s not me”. But why can’t we, if we suddenly want to?

The truth is, people change. We change. Constantly. A Buddhism teaching in a book that I read mentioned that this is the source of “duhka” or suffering, trying to be still or define ourselves as something. Trying to capture who we are and cling to it.

How many celebrities get “canceled” these days for something stupid that they said way back in the past? It’s always a great tool to check who someone is or used to be. But the ultimate truth is that we constantly change, every year, month, minute, and even second. And thus, our values change. Our opinions change. Our favourite colour changes. Our fashion style changes. And that’s okay. That just means you’re human. And you grow, for better or for worse.

I wish I have enough money or fame to hire a personal assistant to handle my dance portfolio for me. To avoid the tendency to ask these questions before hitting the “post” button. Unfortunately (fortunately?), I am not on that level yet.

I do want to train my subconscious to stop asking these questions and let myself change and evolve, following the flow of nature.

Hello. This is my first post of the year, yay.

I used to write for people. Or at least think I do. I used to think I want people to relate with what I write or at least find an inspiration. “Be an inspiration”, that’s literally my vague and ambiguous aspiration in life when I was in high school. And for the longest time it was a major drive for me to excel in everything I do, be constantly productive, and pursue the biggest dreams. I wanted to leave a mark in this world before I die. And by mark I meant a huge mark in the world that everyone can see and remember, whatever it is. That includes my writing.

Then life happens. I’m not the ambitious and super-driven guy I once was, but I still love writing. I just never write on my blog anymore. Why? Cause I sometimes feel like whatever I’m gonna write, people are gonna find them immature. (That’s what my ex said a few years ago and I believed it). Or know how unsophisticated my English skills are. Or get disillusioned and realised I’m not as composed, and mature, and stable as I appear to be.

But starting now, these thoughts are gonna be irrelevant. I’m doing this for me. Share whatever piece of me I want to share to the world, whenever I feel like, however I feel like.

At this point of life, I know for sure that nothing in this world is constant. And that includes the self. All we are is nothing but constant flux of thoughts, emotions, and biological processes. It’s the reality, as sad as it sounds. No matter how much we’re convinced things are gonna stay, no matter how hard we try to stop things from changing, before we know things change again.

It appears that life is about understanding and accepting this reality, and finding ways to surf on top of the ever-crashing waves. Most importantly, knowing how to hold on to our internal sense of peace in between. Challenging? Yes. Exhausting? Very much.

The first thing that comes to mind when I get engulfed in the waves and suffocate is to look for someone. Someone that can make me feel completely safe. Who will shower me with love, shelter me with a sense of safety and comfort. Who I know will stay with me even at my worst. Someone who I feel safe with even in the face of death. Sounds scary, I know. But that’s the truth. If at some point in life I get engulfed in the waves and I know there’s no going back and it’s time for me to go.. I hope they’re there by my side.

Meanwhile, I will keep on surfing. For them. To all the kind prayers from the good souls that I get to meet, who have faith in me and always hoping for my happiness, I will forever be grateful.

Thank you, Universe.