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Two Years in Melbourne – Dance Life Update.

Reinhard Budiman OnggowijayaLeave a comment

It’s officially been two years since I came to Melbourne. A lot of things have happened. Some things that I planned for and expected before I came, came to fruition. Some others perished and are replaced by other things. Did I manage to hit the reset button, just as I planned to? I think I probably did. One of the biggest changes is in my dance life.

First day in Melbourne, 18th February 2019.

I still remember the night I performed at Hall of Fame 2018, thinking it would be my last performance. Also the day I competed with my dance family in the first World of Dance Indonesia just a month before I departed. I cried like a baby thinking that would be my last big hit in the world dance (cause I failed to do kick up). Dance was always something I (forced myself to) see as a complementary to my activities. A hobby and a passion, but never a main thing. Still, when faced with options, I’ve always chosen dance every single time throughout the years. Hence why coming to Australia, I was ready to let dance go and start focusing on the “real” things in life.

World of Dance Indonesia with Last Minute Street Crew, January 2019

Then, I came to Melbourne. I knew no one except Jasmine. Nor did I have any other activities to do. Jasmine brought me to her dance community. Shared information about dance communities and studios in Melbourne.  I decided to contact one of the oldest dance communities in Melbourne; and despite having private training exclusively for members that passed audition, they let me come to one of their trainings. Everyone was so welcoming and made me feel comfortable. Then, I went to O2 Studios (when it was still in Richmond) and met Hana for the first time. Our dance styles instantly clicked, and she asked me to do a collab with her. Before one month, I’ve filmed a collab video with one of Melbourne’s amazing dancers.

Collab. video with @flowerdoi, March 2019.

Again, dance helped me make friends, feel comfortable as I navigate in and adapt to Melbourne. Encouraged by Hana, I then started applying for dance teaching. Starting with O2, ‘cause she was about to go back to Japan soon. It became one of my biggest goals. Then Passion, Dsoul, The Space, Y9. I made a dance resume, emailed it and dropped it more than once in these places. Hell, looking back, I’m pretty sure I was being annoying to these studios. Only Y9 got back to me, and I started having a teaching slot in this new studio. “At least I got a job to start with!”, that’s what I thought. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx9YR-SJbE3/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Fast forward to lockdown last year, everybody had a lot of time to reflect an view their life in a bigger picture. I did too. I came to realise that for the past 10 years, I’ve spent so much time, money, energy, and effort for dance. And despite trying so many times to set dance aside and see it as a hobby, I’ve always came back to it. Every single time. My “last time” always became “just another last”. The universe always seems to conspire to guide me to it. And honestly, my age tells me I’m too old to keep running away. So I’ve decided to build my dreams around it, and embrace it as a big part of me, who I am.

Mission Statement from Leadership Tools for the Dance Leader (LTDL Delta) by Arnel Calvario, August 2019.
My mission statement kept evolving since then.

Suddenly, just in a blink of an eye, opportunities started coming in. After a year being in Ascendant Dance Company, Gina suddenly offered me to teach in her new studio starting in 2021. The internationally-recognised Gina Michael. Believed in me and opened up an opportunity for me. I was overwhelmed by gratitude and disbelief. How? Why? That night, I called my first dance teacher, Miss B, and thanked her for the path she opened up for me 10 years ago. Then, getting out of lockdown, I started getting private classes, and more teaching. A month ago, Jonathan from O2 asked if I was still keen to teach. I was speechless. Immensely grateful looking back to how my dance journey in Melbourne started. The universe and its marvellous ways of shaping someone’s story. Just from this, I’ve learnt my lesson about hard work, focus, patience, timing, and growth. All of these variables that create happiness in the right moment.

In spite of these, my goals have evolved. It’s not to teach, or getting a teaching slot in the biggest dance studios anymore. My goals revolve more around growth and the ways that I can build myself in this artform. It is more about balancing between dance as a passion and its purest form that I enjoy, and as my profession and main thing. Have I got it all figured out? Not at all. This year will be the year where I seek clarity as to where I want to be and what I need to pursue in this realm.

I’m doing this for me.

Reinhard Budiman OnggowijayaLeave a comment

I had a relationship with someone on March-June. Just during the first lockdown. It all happened so fast, we just got to know each other for 2 weeks, and there we go. I thought we resonated with each other in so many ways, and so I decided to let myself fall too fast, too deep. The lockdown allowed us to spend more time with each other too much before we built enough tolerance for each other. And in 3 months, we got to realise how different we were before we should.

I was the one who ended the relationship. Classic me, always trying to end a relationship just to save myself. For months after the relationship, I was guilt-ridden. Because I knew I could’ve tried harder. Tried being less emotional, tried being less demanding, less expecting. I could’ve had him still. Cause for all I know, I still cared about him. I still wanted to be someone who could always make him happy. And at the same time, “fix” him. Little did I know, that I would’ve never been able to do that. Not in the state I was in, and not with him.

The relationship was taking a toll on my self-esteem and confidence. I always thought that he’s out of my league. During the whole relationship, I was always trying to be enough for him. At the same time, I would expect him to see that effort and appreciate it, and make me feel better. I could see that he has his share of insecurities too, but I still wanted him to focus on mine. My partner’s communication style was very direct. He’s honest, straightforward, blunt; and he expects others to do the same. Me, I needed someone to understand me with empathy, who’d try to understand me even when I don’t express with words. He’s not about that. So a lot of times communication became our problem, especially during arguments. Our love languages are also different. Words of affirmation is the main way to make me feel loved. For him, words are cheap. He’s more into acts of service, which I could also see. But still, I thought when someone loves you, they’d put the effort. I was wrong. I was just lucky to have my previous partners invest their energy in doing that for me.

In the end, I realised I was expecting him to fill me in the ways I need to be filled. Don’t get me wrong, when I love someone, I love fiercely. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. They would become my main theme, and I would invest most of my energy, thoughts, and time for them. But then I didn’t realise that I expect them to put the same effort for me, in the same ways. Cause I have this void to be filled, that came from years of self-doubt and self-deprecation, and once I get into a relationship, I expect my partner to do the job. In the end, it’s a cycle of trying to fill someone’s glass with the water that I don’t have, and expect them to pour it back.

That’s not how love should be. Now I understand that it should be more about giving, not taking. And yes, it’s a two-way thing; but it only works if both focus on how much they give rather than how much they take. And that’s only possible if you have enough love inside you to give to your partner, starting from yourself. Once you feel enough, you’re free of expectations and demands that your partner constantly try to fill you and complete you; and appreciate more when they do.

Our relationship triggered a lot of insecurities inside me. It’s not your fault. But thanks to it, I started seeking ways to love and appreciate myself more. And realised how I should love myself before having the audacity to try and love someone. It’s all thanks to you. And I’m sorry that I forced us into relationship when I wasn’t ready, and burdened you with expectations and demands for you to love me the way I wanted to be loved, tried to change and fix you. Honestly, you left a scar and I hated you for that. But I’m grateful for all the good times we’ve spent, and I appreciate even the smallest effort you gave to understand me and make me happy. I’m sorry if I hurt you too. Although it might not be the case for you, moving on from you was hard for me. But I know that this is for the better. I will keep on learning to love myself more, and you should too. Hope you can find your happiness.

Hai, namaku Reinhard.

Reinhard Budiman OnggowijayaLeave a comment
Artwork by @delavril

Hi, I’m Reinhard Budiman Onggowijaya Sugiharto. Reinhard for short. I’m an Indonesian, currently studying in Melbourne, Australia.

I am a dancer, writer, psychology graduate, digital media student, and social media manager. I am a proud gay Indonesian man. An ENFP/ESFJ depending on the situation (and I think I’m turning to an I). I spend my spare time dancing, coffee-ing, watching series on Netflix, writing, or calling my friends.

I’ve been writing since I was a teenager, 2009 to be precise. Writing has been a therapeutic platform for me to express even things I couldn’t comprehend. From this super emo blog (2009-2011) to this one (2011-2020). My blog has been the witness of my life journey as I go through the essence, adversities, and advantages of my human experience. Changes, progressions, character development, depression, euphoria, loving, hating, condemning, accepting. These slices of life has given empowerment to some people (as well as cringe for some others haha), and I guess it’s what keeps me going. I always try my best to allow myself to be bare and vulnerable as I write, and that way I hope we can resonate somehow. We’re all humans after all, hey?

I write in English and Bahasa Indonesia. I can honestly admit that my English writing skills might not be as sophisticated as it’s not my first language, but English has been giving me broader word choices that I’m not able to express in Bahasa Indonesia so I use English more.

This new blog is started during Coronavirus pandemic in 2020. Spending months of lockdown here in Melbourne has put me through hell, but at the same time a lot of reflections and self-discovery. I’ve gained deeper understanding about myself, and I can feel that a new chapter is starting soon. So here goes. :))