“What’s one thing that you want people to remember about you when you die?”

This question came up when I was playing a card game with my friends a few months ago in Indonesia. I hadn’t thought about this for a long while, and in that moment, I realised how much I’ve changed as a person.

I used to associate this question with some kind of achievement, a grandeur masterpiece, or fame from creating a massive impact on people. To my own surprise, I confidently answered that question with one word: “warmth”.

In this big and cold world, I only hope I could keep radiating my warmth to those around me. I don’t think I am the same ambitious guy who thinks he will ultimately feel content when he smashed his big dreams anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still have milestones I would like to achieve before I kick the bucket. However, having yet to achieve them does not make my life less complete. As long as I keep holding onto the warmth that I radiate and be a sanctuary for myself and the people around me, I feel content.

“I don’t mind dying in this state”, I added, having felt affection from friends and family back home throughout that whole trip, and knowing that my closest ones in Melbourne are happy and rooting for me. I recall a period a few months before when I broke down in tears and felt like I was standing up for myself, and the journey that I took to get to this state. The very state where worries about the future and the past are irrelevant, where I feel my growth as a person solidify, and where I can fearlessly feel, express, and exchange love with those I care about. This is the only state I will be ready to die in. At least for now.

Someone used to keep reminding me, “you don’t owe the world anything”. Although I always thought of it as irrelevant as I believed my ambitions were products of my longing for recognition and acceptance rather than to give back to the world, it’s been slowly growing on me. Maybe the trauma from those years of rejection has healed. Maybe, I came to understand better the things that are important to me. Or maybe I’ve just gone complacent and the 50-year-old me might regret having this mentality in my youth, no one knows. But for now, I know for sure that this is what I want people to remember about me when I die.

Halo. Aku tulis di sini aja. Somehow I believe talking to you won’t give me any closure. If anything, it might make me feel worse about myself. ‘Cause you’re always so cool-headed, calm, and hero-like. And I always showed how I feel, and let myself be vulnerable in front of you. Now I know that was foolish of me.

First off, thank you for the past 8 months. I’ve always enjoyed our companionship even though I’d never seen you in person. You always made me feel safe, comfortable, warm. It’s amazing how talking to someone with the same native language just hit you different. Despite how different our backgrounds were, I felt like you’re always so down to earth and treated me “special” anyway.

The first few months were great. I came with no expectations at all. We both did not believe in long-distance commitments either. So we talked as close friends, with a little bit of sweet talk here and there. Your voice was the calm I needed after a rough day. And it was fine even though we were not exclusive. We just needed to talk to each other to make this world feel less lonely. Then you started to introduce me to your friends. That’s when I started thinking that this could be something more for you.

Then I started seeing someone else and you decided to let me go. And that’s totally fair because I told you to look for someone else anyway. We knew we would sooner or later. But then I broke up and you came back. I took too much chemical and you were there the whole night as I experienced ego death and came back to life. When my mind was gasping for air and I started remembering myself, you were there to remind me I’ll be okay. I did not tell you, but that whole night, your voice was the one thing I latched onto to survive when I decided it’s okay to let myself die. And so, you became annoyingly important to me and our interactions started affecting me more than they should. I know it’s just the chemicals, but how inconvenient it was.

Since then, I could not stop thinking about you. Every single day. Waiting for your message. And I did not want to be a burden because you said you wanted to move on. So I tried to distract myself as much as I could. But every single time your name appeared on my screen, endorphins and serotonin rushed throughout my backbone. You would say you like me. You would say “love you” when I told you you shouldn’t. You would say you’d pick me up in Bali when I go back to Indonesia in July. You would say you’re excited to see me. Date me. Kiss me. And as much as I dismissed them as I knew better than to trust someone I’d never shared a physical space with, you became something I look forward to in my upcoming trip. “Us” became something I look forward to.

And here I am. At Changi Airport. On my way back to Melbourne. I only met you twice during my 3-week trip. Both times, I was the one who asked you out. Both times, I was the one showing my affections when you were as cold as ice. You did not pick me up in Bali or even meet me there at all even when you cheekily said you wouldn’t tell me the date you might be coming (preparing a surprise? don’t worry, you nailed it). Or pick me up at the airport in Surabaya even when you said at least my family should, and even when you had nothing on that night. But you really forgot what you said didn’t you?

‘Cause as much as you won’t admit it, I noticed that you only called me when you’re drinking. When you needed someone to accompany you drive home when you’ve had too much. And as much as you won’t acknowledge it, there are a lot of things that I said that you keep forgetting. And as much as I realised that, I still chose to believe in you anyway. I chose to indulge in your affection, our late night calls, your sweet talks, cause they made me feel special.

Well, now it served me right. Blindly choosing to believe in someone like you was my mistake. I was just trying to fit you into an ideal that never existed. I realised that when I finally met you. You never cared. You never liked me. Or you did, but you did not have the guts to tell me that you stopped liking me even when I asked you on that second day we met. Or maybe you found someone else. Things would have been so much easier if you just said it to me. You made me wonder what I did wrong, what I could have done better, and whether I did not look good enough. You should not have said you still liked me and then treated me like a stranger you just found on the internet and decided you really didn’t wanna hook up with. And even if you felt that, you could have just said it to my face and gotten it over with. After 8 months of knowing you, accompanying you, and sharing pieces of your life, at least I deserved that honesty. At least, I deserved your text saying that you’re not interested to see me anymore. At least, you did not have to make me constantly wonder and wait for you to ask me out during my trip. Cause you truly did not deserve to be the highlight of it like I thought you would be.

You made me feel so stupid when I kept trying to be vulnerable during those two days that we met and having you treat me cold in return. And after a few days of crying and nights of having sad dreams about us (again, it might still be a consequence of that bad trip), I finally opened my eyes and realised that all this time, I liked someone that never existed. You made me feel special when you might be doing the same to other people. At least I was honest when I did. All those sweet talks.. God I was so dumb to fall for them.

On the brighter note, at least we know how we are to each other. I am grateful that we did not make any rash decisions to commit to anything cause I would have never wanted someone like you. At least I never lightly said “love” to you ’cause I never did. Even when I tried my best to show it by preparing and bringing back home something special just for you. Even when I expressed my affections anyway when you did not. Cause actions speak louder than words and it seems like it’s the other way around on your side. You never deserved me. And even when my inner demon sometimes said to me you might just be out of my league, it’s irrelevant to me because I do not want someone like you.

Thank you for the good time. Hope I was a good drinking buddy for you. Even though it’s short-lived, our companionship helped me get through some of the hardest times. But I guess it’s time to move on.

Have a good life.

Last night I watched Everything Everywhere All At Once. It has been on my watch list since the moment I saw the trailer. Asian-centric movies with superhero themes? I’m in. Plus, I’ve always been a fanboy of Michelle Yeoh and her acting.

The movie was marvelous as expected. My friend who watched with me gave it a score of 6.5/10 because everything was too symbolic. I personally gave it an 8.5/10, first of all due to the cinematography and animation (the scene where they did a roulette on hundreds of versions of Evelyn? i mean how many hours of work was done just for that scene?? costume designs, brainstorming the ideas, etc.). And that’s just on a technical level. The randomness and absurdity of the movies were just 10/10 on its own bracket. On top of it, I loved how they bring this Asian-centric movie with a very progressive influence, whilst not forgetting the taboo, the generational gap, and the cultural differences that the characters experience.

The 1.5 missing points from my score were just from my lack of understanding of some of the symbolism that the movie brought. Some scenes can be very confusing, especially at the start and because everything was happening so fast, you didn’t have time to digest what a scene was actually about before having to catch up on the next one. But towards the second half of the movie, I felt like things started slowing down and you can actually start connecting the dots. In the end, coming from someone who has been reading and watching a lot of philosophy recently, I think I have come to the conclusion that the premise of the movie is to make your own meaning out of it. Because in the end nothing matters and you’re the one to decide what matters. Here are some of the cherries that I picked from the show:

1. A battle with the insignificance of life

After exploring all the alternate universes and experiencing all the different versions of herself and her relationships with her family, Jobu Tupaki decided to destroy the multiverses. This to me resembled depression due to having experienced everything one thinks one could experience in life. Or having explored different relationships and the could-have-beens. And finding that in the end, they lead to the same disappointment. No matter how much something can bring you the highs, one day they will become stale or something will take them away from you.

Such is life, we as human beings constantly look for something that excites us, that lights a fire in our soul. But once we have attained them, a question always appears in the back of our minds. “Now what?”. Then we look for something else. Then after a while, the fire gets put out again. You would think, well maybe go for something everlasting, that will leave an impact in the world so that you can feel the fire and people could experience it and radiate the heat back to you. I thought so too. As a teenager, I always thought “what can I do to leave a mark?”, to contribute to this world. But as I continued to carry that thought with me growing up, I then started to question whether everything is worth it. If I end up contributing to the world and being remembered, then what? People will enjoy my contribution and remember me as a name in the history book alongside thousands of other names who managed to do such-level deeds in life. But then what?

Having experienced everything in life, Jobu Tupaki came to the conclusion that in the end, her existence is insignificant in the vast universe. We can see in real-life how many celebrities, inventors, and people who we deem “successful” and “happy” end up in the deep end. Whether it’s dealing with drug abuse (which is very much represented in this movie by the trippy visuals and alternate realities that Jobu Tupaki and Evelyn can explore with the snap of her fingers) or suicidal tendencies (the bagel).

This point sounds depressing and feels very much like a negative view and outlook on life. And it significantly leads to my second point that..

2. Nothing matters. But that also means you can make your own meaning.

Evelyn was almost carried away with this fact. She knew very well within herself before all of this happened that life is just about doing what she needs to do. Just like how other people do it. Life is such a template for many people and most of us are just a part of the current. This amplified as she gained the ability to explore the different versions of her and learnt that in all the other alternate universes that she could have lived, ultimately the same thing will happen: she will face disappointments, deal with relationship issues, and doing things just for the sake of doing things. This became a self-fulfilling prophecy as she decided to recklessly ruin things just for the sake of ruining things. She decided that nothing mattered, so might as well let everything in her life falter. But the love from Waymond snapped her out of it and led her to decide what she wanted to matter: kindness and love.

As she embedded this meaning, she started embracing herself and did what she wanted to do with her powers- in her own way. Even when she’s in the universe where she’s a piece of rock and is not supposed to move- she moves, guided by the meaning she held onto: the love she had for her daughter.

I think in the end, the movie is trying to teach us that it doesn’t matter how “successful” you are (and that is up for subjective interpretation). Without certain values or meaning that you decide for yourselves, you are just chemicals. Atoms and particles that walk around on earth to support the narrative of homo sapiens and their evolution. But once you discover and decide what matters to you and hold them dear as you walk through life, “significance” to the world doesn’t matter as much as your significance to yourself anymore. Whether it’s love, stability, adventure, progression, or really anything that transcends words, objects, or adjectives. You decide what you want to matter and the things that you want to matter, matter.

I highly suggest that you watch this clip about “Individuation”, a piece of philosophy from Carl Jung, a Freudian psychologist:

3. Getting through it with the people you love and who love you

And even after all that..the idea that your life is insignificant can still haunt you in the back of your mind. It can be a constant battle for some people. And as much as we might like to deny it (I very much do), having people who love us and who we love might make getting through it so much easier. They don’t have to be a romantic partner. We are all wanderers on this earth, constantly searching for meaning. The idea of having someone willing to go through it with you, and remind you why you matter to them feels like a warm and safe sanctuary amid this huge, crazy world.

– – – – – – – – – –

I personally felt like the movie touched me on a subconscious level. Although I could write these things, there are some things that I just can’t express with words but my mind felt like it understood. The ego-death that I experienced through my substance experience contributed to the deciphering process. This manifested in heaps of tears being shed in silence in the second half of the movie. As someone who’s been battling with some dark cloud over his head recently, I felt like I could subconsciously relate in some ways.

All in all, whether you’re just in for some comedic action, burst some laugh, or reflect on existentialism and the insignificance of human life, give this movie a go. If you don’t think the movie makes sense, at least you will have a trippy visual pleasure.

Okay, I need to go back to doing my assignments. Hope you enjoyed my review and give the movie a watch!

Today, I feel a sense of peace. It could be due to having caught up with the sleep I’ve lost by sleeping the whole day today (I’ve got COVID-19 and thought I should rest as much as I could). Or as simple as having given enough time for my wound to heal. Somehow, I feel a sense of contentment and that my anxieties are fading away. The emotional attachment and hurt that I have been carrying in the past few weeks starting to feel a bit more distant. It just feels like I just woke up from a bad dream.

I started finding the spark and the little fire brimming inside me whenever I think about the future and the things that I can look forward to. I started having the urge to list out the things I want to do for the rest of this year and further. The pain that I have been feeling started to shift into this beautiful scar, one that I could slowly see from a distant. I started feeling less lonely, and feeling grateful for the beautiful friends who love me and stuck with me through the dark.

Time heals.

The past few weeks have been quite hard for me. Moving house, starting my last semester at uni (and now a few weeks behind due to moving), sudden financial distress, leaving a relationship, family problem. I feel overwhelmed by the many changes in my life. And although I consider myself strong and have many people around who love and support me, I still felt like I was drowning.

This manifests in me crying at random times everyday. When I get home, at work, on the street. I felt like dark clouds are over my head all day everyday and it was hard for me to focus. Every time that happened, I reached out to my close friends and tried to ask them to accompany me. And despite that, I still felt like they wouldn’t understand what I was going through, because I honestly didn’t completely understand either. And that made me feel even lonelier. It was so tiring feeling so dark and gloomy everyday. Especially topped with the traumatic experience I shared in the previous post. Interestingly, despite having worse life challenges in the past, I have never felt them manifest like this in my life. I felt like it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel- it’s as if I was drowning in this dark water and trying hard to stay on the surface. I just keep trying everyday not to cry, and I desperately wanted to get through this.

I guess it’s a bad timing coinciding with losing someone I used to talk to and share affection with almost everyday in the previous three months. It left a hole in me. Despite knowing that the relationship was not good for me, I still had emotional attachment to the person. I think I gave my all in that relationship. I really did give my best even when I could not. I think a part of me felt those efforts were not appreciated enough and now in vain. Hence why it was quite painful for me. This made it harder to go through all the other challenges that I have been going through.

I am just grateful that I have the best people around me who loved me and were patient with me throughout these gloomy days. Alicia. Dela. Romano. Ferry. I can never thank them enough for constantly checking on me and making sure I am okay. Despite my random calls, being out of it and acting strangely around them, gave them shit. They still loved me and tried to understand me regardless. I’m so lucky to have them and other people who I know are ready to support me whenever. I am thankful to God too. I listened to religious Christian music and they calmed me down, made me feel safe like how I felt when I was a child.

I’m starting to take some supplements to calm my anxiety and stress. I’m having my first counseling session tomorrow, wish me luck! Hoping to get the old me back, or maybe even a better one. But I will definitely get over this soon. 🙂

Some time ago, I was really overwhelmed with the many changes that happened in my life in just a short amount of time. Then I decided to let myself go. I took some chemicals to my system more than I should. I was fine until I realised I was not. Then I decided to look for help.

Just before I started falling into this downward spiral, I called my close friend back in Indonesia to make sure I was okay for what’s going to happen. I also woke my housemate up and with all the willpower I have left, I tried to form words and communicate to her, asking her to email my workplace that I will not be able to go to work the next day. And so it started.

I remembered just on the “gate” before the trip started, my friend told me “whatever you see, whatever happens, remember that it’s just the chemical”. Those words were the ones I tried to latch on to the whole night. I was just trying to sleep but then I kept waking up to the sound of our cat meowing. And every time I woke up, I saw the cat wandering around my room and my housemate- who I had asked to sleep next to me at that time, tried to “ssshhh” the cat, looked at me, rubbed my arm, and said “it’s okay. it’s alright”. It’s not long before I realised that the same scene kept happening over and over again and I started to realise that I was stuck in this time loop; and eventually thought I must have overdosed and gone mental.

I then started regretting my decision to let myself go that night. Just one dumb decision. Leading to overdosing and possibly dying soon. I imagined my real body, just staring at a blank space in an asylum or on the street, with my mind stuck in this bedroom with my housemate and cat in my head. And all I could do was hope for someone to snap me out of it and save me. I could hear my friend on the phone asking “are you okay” now and then and that was the only thing I could latch onto to remind myself that it was just the chemical. But the time loop was so overwhelming that I believed more in the fact that it’s actually real and I was slowly going into despair. I just wanted to leave that room, wake up, and resume my normal life. I started thinking about what could have been had I not taken the thing.. and what I was missing now that I have gone mental. Every single mental effort I put to snap myself out of it, to get a grip of reality were just taken down by the thought that it was too late. That that was my new reality. I had gone mental and I would be stuck there until I someone saves me. Or until I die.

I started feeling sorry for myself. Going overseas, working hard, building myself. Now I’m psychotic and life just goes on without me. I started thinking about my parents. My friends. How I have disappointed them. My dreams in dance that I have not achieved. It was so painful that I just cried and cried. I kept saying sorry to them, and to Jesus. Eventually I could feel my body start deteriorating and started wishing that it would end soon. Thinking about the fact that I was dying made it worse, to the point that I started wishing for my body to just stop and die. “Make it stop. Just let me die already. Please”. “It’s okay Reinhard, just sleep. Let it go. Just die.” I just kept telling my body to shut down.

Even after that, I did not die and started thinking that nothing mattered anymore then. I couldn’t live. I couldn’t die. I was stuck in this room in this time loop. Might as well do anything I want with it. I might just go out to my ex’s house. Or just go out of the room and explore the street. Or whatever. At least I could make my time loop more interesting. (And even in that moment, I realised this was the common cause of death with people having delirium). Then somehow, I ended up calling someone I used to talk to. Then it shifted the experience completely.

I will spare the details for personal reasons but it made me feel euphoric and hoped once again. I was hopeful that the bad trip would end and after that, my life would turn around. That after this thing is out of my system, I would be completely free from all the stress I’d been experiencing. That I could do the things I’ve always wanted to do. That it would just be butterflies and things would look up all the way, and that person would be with me. I was grateful for him and for my friend and housemate for being there for me through the horrible night (I still am). All I kept muttering was thank you, and sorry that I made such irrational decision to let myself go. I somehow believed that all these sufferings that I had been through in this trip and in my life would make sense when that trip ends. So I kept looking at the time. Somehow I believed it would be out of my system in 12 hours. I kept calling that person’s name to make sure I was still hopeful. To have a grip on this thing that I thought was “reality”. I kept telling myself “you’ll be fine. you’ll be fine”. The traumatic night was ending. Of course, little did I know that I would wake up to a nightmare the next day.

I slowly regained my consciousness. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then as soon as I did, I was horrified by the reality. I had called someone I used to talk to multiple times that night. I woke my housemate at 2AM to email my workplace, in a way that would be absolutely uncanny to them because she had no clue of how I write my emails and address my manager. I threw up on my living room and my carpeted bedroom. It was a horrible mess. I went from feeling euphoric to devastated. What have I just done. I had to ask someone to accompany me the next day because I was confused the whole day, could not focus and had a tight chest and throat. My mood was fluctuating uncontrollably. And I was still worried that I was gonna die and not sure if I could move on from the dreadful trip I had the night before. Wished that it was not the reality and still wished that I could wake up to a better one. This kept going on for two days.

All in all, it was a traumatising experience. Never in my life will I ever let that thing into my system anymore. But I did reflect and picked up some things along the way. As much as they were just manifestations of the chemicals, the physical and psychological experience that I’ve experienced were real to me. I was there. I guess they made me learn that:

• Life is so short and you could literally die anytime from one single silly decision or unfortunate external causes. Therefore make use of every moments and be grateful for the smallest things.
• All the “bad” things that have caused me stress didn’t seem as bad anymore just because I’ve experienced a “near-death experience”. Yes they weren’t real, but I really thought I was gonna die that time. All in all, I started feeling that whatever I have been anxious and worried about were quite trivial.
• With the time I’m given, I need to focus on whatever matters to me. And these things are what I decide for myself. I decide what matters in my life, for me. No one can and should tell me otherwise.

I am still recovering from this and sometimes I think the effect still lingers. But at least it made me realise these important lessons that I will hold onto for the rest of my life.

Make whatever matters to me, matters.

I have different ways of seeing, feeling, and dealing with things. And that’s fine.

In the past few months leading up to 4 December 2021, I was busy with preparing for my dance company’s End of Year Showcase 2021. It was something I looked forward to since the start of my time in the company two years ago (last year’s one did not happen due to lockdown).

I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to choreograph for the company’s Intermediate Team, consisting of 28 dancers. It was my first time directing a mega team and I’ve had doubts during the process, but I’m glad I decided to just “fuck it” and said yes to it. Supported by the constant faith in me and support from Gina Michael, the director of my dance company, I’ve managed to choreograph the whole three-minute piece in just one week and completed teaching in 4 weeks time. It was pretty hectic given the timeframe, but somehow I’ve managed to do it. In the end, I’ve got a lot of positive feedback from the team themselves, other company members, and the audience. I felt really surprised at what I’ve actually had in me. The experience gave me a massive confidence boost in my creativity, leadership, and directorial capacity. This is all thanks to the amazing and supportive dancers in the team as well, I’ve learnt from them so much during the process. Maybe more than they’ve learnt from me!

Other than this piece, I was also a part of the Advanced Team’s showcase and the opening piece. I’ve had to pull out from the finale piece due to having too much on my plates (three jobs, directing Inter Team, being a part of my friend Reika’s piece, teaching my dance classes, performing in another show the week after, trying to keep up with uni). Was on the verge of breaking down due to being overwhelmed, and finally made a decision to quit one of my jobs and pull out from this trimester at uni. It’s just super stressful. On top of these, I’ve also had a teacher’s showcase to make and do. So yeah, hectic times! But in the end, everything was worth it because it was my last show with the company.

At the end of the show, there was an award for the company members. One of the award was announced for someone who “had a really good work ethic, compassion, charisma, and respected by the other team members”. Not long after, my name was called. I was left speechless. It meant so much to me than any dance award would. Amongst 80+ other team members, I was glad I could radiate such qualities. I remembered last year I’ve had confidence issues with my personality, feeling like I was an awkward person/couldn’t fit in especially due to my English communication skills. I feel in awe every time I realise how far I have grown in the past year.

Thank you, Ascendant Dance Company. Thank you, Gina Michael. Thank you, myself. Thank you, Universe. I feel immensely grateful and content with where I am in life.

I have random news. I just started a casual job as a temperature tester at one of Melbourne’s biggest hospitals! Never in my life have I ever thought I’d step my foot in healthcare, even as a casual. I am officially a ✨front-liner✨ in this pandemic, so please send me some flowers and pizzas every now and then.

Starting a new job has always been intimidating for me, especially here in Australia. I remember when I first started working at this Malaysian restaurant as my first official job in Melbourne, I was mentally broken down and cried at the end of most shifts due to the toxic work environment and bullying that I experienced. Being my initial work experience and one of the places where I’ve had my first interactions with people in Melbourne, I think it left a scar. I became anxious every time I have to dip into new activities or social environment. I have worked in a better work environment since, but the anxiety is still there.

Despite meeting great people and seeing a great work culture during the orientation, my scheduled roster stressed me out. I’ve been most worried about my English since I have to accommodate many locals mostly with thick accents. As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, I am still not 100% confident with my English. This worry then led to further rumination, thinking about the worst scenarios that could happen in case my English mess up. The fact that this is in a professional healthcare setting adds to it because the risk is higher than I’ve ever experienced this far. I was so stressed I watched videos of tips on how to be confident when English is not your first language and had to call some friends the night before my shift.

Interestingly, I realised that this emotional distress made me appreciate my other activities more. I’ve started to enjoy the shifts that I have in my other job more, feeling immense joy at seeing my colleagues and even the customers. This job that I have been doing for two years and where I could work on auto-pilot for a whole day suddenly became a joyful experience once again. I’ve also started to appreciate my social interactions more. The discomfort that I felt stepping into a new environment made me appreciate all the comfort that I have in my life. I have realised that all this time, I have been in my comfort zone so much that my life has actually been more mundane than I thought it was.

I guess that is why people always tell you to get out of your comfort zone. Other than the growth it brings, you also become more receptive and appreciative of the things you take for granted. It’s a tad challenging these days with all this talk about mental health and things having to match your energy (mind you, I am a huge believer in these things), but I guess it’s all about balance. You can’t keep sitting in your ✨energy✨ without tapping into another space that might take you higher in life. And the constant push and pull between comfort and discomfort gives life to life.

I am giving myself a pat on my back for always pushing despite the stress that I’ve felt. Despite feeling anxious at the opportunity to cover shifts, I let my fingers type that message and let my mind just watch on the side (hating me lol). “Work hard, be kind, amazing things will happen”. This quote from Winston Utomo became my mantra every single time. To my surprise, I always ended up giggling silly at the end of every shift. “What the hell did I stress out so much for?” My fears always turned irrational and funny even, and even when some of the anticipated scenarios happened, I could always handle them really well.

All in all, I am sending my gratitude to the universe for this experience and a reminder never to settle in life.