Immensely grateful.

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When I was in uni, I really thought I would be a successful businessman by the age of 25. The confidence was a product of my productivity (woop) during my studies. My GPA in Psychology was 3.76, which led me to graduate with Magna Cum Laude title. I was a part of many student organisations: Student Council, president of the uni dance team, a pioneer of the uni’s annual art night and charity. Everyone in the uni knew me. Outside my studies, I was a writer for IDN Media, a rapidly-growing media company which is now one of the biggest in Indonesia. I did a lot of freelance event jobs. I was a part of Indonesia’s O.G. dance community. What could go wrong? I believed I was designed for success.

Long story short, after I graduated things started going aimlessly. I did event management as my first job, to then move to social media, and dance crew manager. I didn’t know what’s the end goal for me. Dance was just my passion that won’t ever be my main thing, or at least that’s what I wanted to believe back then. Because who would wanna be a dancer for their whole life, right? It’s just a hobby, but never good enough for long-term career. At least not for me, someone with a lot of potential for something “bigger”.

But dance was always there. No matter what I was doing or what route I was on in my life. Somehow, I kept on dancing, experiencing life, exploring the world, encountering amazing people, with dance. Yet, I wasn’t content with where I was in life. For so many years, I kept feeling guilty, unproductive. Felt that I was lost, walking aimlessly trying to constantly build new plans and reinventing myself. I felt like a failure. Failing to fulfill my potential, my purpose, which I honestly didn’t fucking know what. And it was really exhausting feeling that way. I kept asking myself, is it too late for me?

…

Fast forward to yesterday. The soon-to-be 27-year old me taught an online dance class on Instagram Live. The choreography that I shared represented my essence so much as a dancer, having danced for 11 years. Around 40 beautiful souls joined the class till the end, coming from Indonesia, Malaysia, Australia, Philippines. Friends that I made along my dance journey, and strangers that believe in what I do. And despite not being able to see them, I could feel the support and love from their presence in the comments section. I felt seen and appreciated. And somehow, it gave me contentment. So overwhelming I almost shed a tear. After a long while, I finally felt confident again in what I am doing with my life. That I’m smashing the milestones I’m supposed to reach. I realised that this is the identity that I’ve started to accept in the past year. I am a full-time dance teacher and choreographer. I may not be a rich entrepreneur or someone famous like I thought I would be, but FUCK THAT. I love this life and I will not take any single moment for granted.

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I am grateful for the universe to have led me here. Being able to expand my dance journey outside my home country. And things in the world may seem rough now, but I wanna push through. Looking forward to the days when I can bring this talent to the world. I believe in this path and I will stop running away from it.

Things and plans change. And who knows who and what I will be in the next five years. I don’t wanna worry too much about that. I am not taking any single moment of the present for granted and daydream about any “better days” in the future. I wanna cherish this beautiful present as much as I can.

Love and relationships.

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26 years of living, going in and out of relationships, I’ve learnt a couple lessons. One, love is a fleeting thing that fades away if not nurtured. Hence, soulmate isn’t real. Two, even when it fades, it’s still there. It just changes to a different form.

Loving someone and being loved in return is something rare and precious. When you meet someone who feels the same way as you do, keep them with all your might. A lot of times, you only understand how precious someone was when they’re gone. So never take any love and relationships for granted.

Commitment is not a play. When you say you commit to someone, you share a part of you that you can never take back. So be very cautious before you start something with someone. Feeling is not something to take light of, both yours and another’s.

I’m grateful for the chances to love and to experience being loved in return.

Thankful for those who nourished me with love at different points of my life. I wish you happiness in your journeys.

Melbourne lockdown 5.0 log.

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It’s the 5th lockdown here in Melbourne and today it was just announced that it will be extended for 7 more days. Having experienced this for the fifth time, people aren’t so surprised. The previous lockdown was extended for 2 weeks. And the one before that extended for almost a month. Last year alone, we endured 7month being locked down. At this point the word “lockdown” feels just like another rainstorm.

How I’m holding up? Honestly super fine. Have I told you? Ever since I moved to Melbourne, I started becoming more introverted- I enjoy spending most of my time with my personal energy. Especially since lockdown became a thing. It’s also because of the social anxiety that I have. Not as bad as before, but it’s still there. So lockdown is not something that I despise so much, at least not when it’s less than two weeks. If anything, it brings me more financial harm because dance classes don’t happen during lockdown. Well, also productivity. I get lazy, I watch series too much and wanna lay in bed all day. The worst part is that it gives me excuse to slack off because everybody’s on the same page and there are heaps of people lazier than me these days. Not a good excuse, Reinhard.

On the other side, I’ve also realised that this thing is eating at our youth, our productive age. With everything in the world slowing down (events, opportunities, etc.) and our age keep going at the same pace, I just can’t help to wonder if I’ll become too old to do anything once this is all over. The ultimate question is, when these things will be over. No one freakin’ knows. I could be 36 when I finally can go back to Indonesia to meet my family again (that is, if I stay here in Australia). The uncertainty of it is what makes it quite stressful.

Oh well, that means we just have to adapt to this situation and try our best to maxmise the time that we have, the best we can.

Two Years in Melbourne – Dance Life Update.

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It’s officially been two years since I came to Melbourne. A lot of things have happened. Some things that I planned for and expected before I came, came to fruition. Some others perished and are replaced by other things. Did I manage to hit the reset button, just as I planned to? I think I probably did. One of the biggest changes is in my dance life.

First day in Melbourne, 18th February 2019.

I still remember the night I performed at Hall of Fame 2018, thinking it would be my last performance. Also the day I competed with my dance family in the first World of Dance Indonesia just a month before I departed. I cried like a baby thinking that would be my last big hit in the world dance (cause I failed to do kick up). Dance was always something I (forced myself to) see as a complementary to my activities. A hobby and a passion, but never a main thing. Still, when faced with options, I’ve always chosen dance every single time throughout the years. Hence why coming to Australia, I was ready to let dance go and start focusing on the “real” things in life.

World of Dance Indonesia with Last Minute Street Crew, January 2019

Then, I came to Melbourne. I knew no one except Jasmine. Nor did I have any other activities to do. Jasmine brought me to her dance community. Shared information about dance communities and studios in Melbourne.  I decided to contact one of the oldest dance communities in Melbourne; and despite having private training exclusively for members that passed audition, they let me come to one of their trainings. Everyone was so welcoming and made me feel comfortable. Then, I went to O2 Studios (when it was still in Richmond) and met Hana for the first time. Our dance styles instantly clicked, and she asked me to do a collab with her. Before one month, I’ve filmed a collab video with one of Melbourne’s amazing dancers.

Collab. video with @flowerdoi, March 2019.

Again, dance helped me make friends, feel comfortable as I navigate in and adapt to Melbourne. Encouraged by Hana, I then started applying for dance teaching. Starting with O2, ‘cause she was about to go back to Japan soon. It became one of my biggest goals. Then Passion, Dsoul, The Space, Y9. I made a dance resume, emailed it and dropped it more than once in these places. Hell, looking back, I’m pretty sure I was being annoying to these studios. Only Y9 got back to me, and I started having a teaching slot in this new studio. “At least I got a job to start with!”, that’s what I thought. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx9YR-SJbE3/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Fast forward to lockdown last year, everybody had a lot of time to reflect an view their life in a bigger picture. I did too. I came to realise that for the past 10 years, I’ve spent so much time, money, energy, and effort for dance. And despite trying so many times to set dance aside and see it as a hobby, I’ve always came back to it. Every single time. My “last time” always became “just another last”. The universe always seems to conspire to guide me to it. And honestly, my age tells me I’m too old to keep running away. So I’ve decided to build my dreams around it, and embrace it as a big part of me, who I am.

Mission Statement from Leadership Tools for the Dance Leader (LTDL Delta) by Arnel Calvario, August 2019.
My mission statement kept evolving since then.

Suddenly, just in a blink of an eye, opportunities started coming in. After a year being in Ascendant Dance Company, Gina suddenly offered me to teach in her new studio starting in 2021. The internationally-recognised Gina Michael. Believed in me and opened up an opportunity for me. I was overwhelmed by gratitude and disbelief. How? Why? That night, I called my first dance teacher, Miss B, and thanked her for the path she opened up for me 10 years ago. Then, getting out of lockdown, I started getting private classes, and more teaching. A month ago, Jonathan from O2 asked if I was still keen to teach. I was speechless. Immensely grateful looking back to how my dance journey in Melbourne started. The universe and its marvellous ways of shaping someone’s story. Just from this, I’ve learnt my lesson about hard work, focus, patience, timing, and growth. All of these variables that create happiness in the right moment.

In spite of these, my goals have evolved. It’s not to teach, or getting a teaching slot in the biggest dance studios anymore. My goals revolve more around growth and the ways that I can build myself in this artform. It is more about balancing between dance as a passion and its purest form that I enjoy, and as my profession and main thing. Have I got it all figured out? Not at all. This year will be the year where I seek clarity as to where I want to be and what I need to pursue in this realm.

I’m doing this for me.

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I had a relationship with someone on March-June. Just during the first lockdown. It all happened so fast, we just got to know each other for 2 weeks, and there we go. I thought we resonated with each other in so many ways, and so I decided to let myself fall too fast, too deep. The lockdown allowed us to spend more time with each other too much before we built enough tolerance for each other. And in 3 months, we got to realise how different we were before we should.

I was the one who ended the relationship. Classic me, always trying to end a relationship just to save myself. For months after the relationship, I was guilt-ridden. Because I knew I could’ve tried harder. Tried being less emotional, tried being less demanding, less expecting. I could’ve had him still. Cause for all I know, I still cared about him. I still wanted to be someone who could always make him happy. And at the same time, “fix” him. Little did I know, that I would’ve never been able to do that. Not in the state I was in, and not with him.

The relationship was taking a toll on my self-esteem and confidence. I always thought that he’s out of my league. During the whole relationship, I was always trying to be enough for him. At the same time, I would expect him to see that effort and appreciate it, and make me feel better. I could see that he has his share of insecurities too, but I still wanted him to focus on mine. My partner’s communication style was very direct. He’s honest, straightforward, blunt; and he expects others to do the same. Me, I needed someone to understand me with empathy, who’d try to understand me even when I don’t express with words. He’s not about that. So a lot of times communication became our problem, especially during arguments. Our love languages are also different. Words of affirmation is the main way to make me feel loved. For him, words are cheap. He’s more into acts of service, which I could also see. But still, I thought when someone loves you, they’d put the effort. I was wrong. I was just lucky to have my previous partners invest their energy in doing that for me.

In the end, I realised I was expecting him to fill me in the ways I need to be filled. Don’t get me wrong, when I love someone, I love fiercely. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. They would become my main theme, and I would invest most of my energy, thoughts, and time for them. But then I didn’t realise that I expect them to put the same effort for me, in the same ways. Cause I have this void to be filled, that came from years of self-doubt and self-deprecation, and once I get into a relationship, I expect my partner to do the job. In the end, it’s a cycle of trying to fill someone’s glass with the water that I don’t have, and expect them to pour it back.

That’s not how love should be. Now I understand that it should be more about giving, not taking. And yes, it’s a two-way thing; but it only works if both focus on how much they give rather than how much they take. And that’s only possible if you have enough love inside you to give to your partner, starting from yourself. Once you feel enough, you’re free of expectations and demands that your partner constantly try to fill you and complete you; and appreciate more when they do.

Our relationship triggered a lot of insecurities inside me. It’s not your fault. But thanks to it, I started seeking ways to love and appreciate myself more. And realised how I should love myself before having the audacity to try and love someone. It’s all thanks to you. And I’m sorry that I forced us into relationship when I wasn’t ready, and burdened you with expectations and demands for you to love me the way I wanted to be loved, tried to change and fix you. Honestly, you left a scar and I hated you for that. But I’m grateful for all the good times we’ve spent, and I appreciate even the smallest effort you gave to understand me and make me happy. I’m sorry if I hurt you too. Although it might not be the case for you, moving on from you was hard for me. But I know that this is for the better. I will keep on learning to love myself more, and you should too. Hope you can find your happiness.

First video with Ascendant is out!

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So here it is! My first video project with Ascendant Dance Company.

Song: Chris Brown – Problem With You | Choreographed by Gina Michael

Dancers: Alana Zerafa, Gina Michael, Joyce Liu, Michael Rossi, Nancy Tran, Reinhard Gouw

This happened straight after lockdown. The whole process made me feel anxious and excited at the same time. More anxious, tbh. Having to meet and share the same physical space again with these amazing people. But they made it a lot easier along the process. Grateful for this opportunity. It instantly became a booster to my confidence, sense of responsibility, and belongingness in the team. I will contribute more for the team in the upcoming year.

First week out of lockdown.

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After 7 months in lockdown, we’re finally free from lockdown. It’s been more than a week now, and Melbourne is a lively city once again. Although there are still some restrictions and rules, lots of people could finally be reunited with their families and friends. How I wish I could meet mine. Hopefully the border will also be open soon.

My first week out of lockdown has been draining, and fulfilling at the same time. The ease of restriction was announced so suddenly that I didn’t get a chance to prepare mentally, socially, and emotionally. I felt like I was just getting used to being with myself and my personal energy, learning how to love myself; and now I have to go back to sharing my energy with people. I felt insecure and anxious. I’ve grown so much during the lockdown, but what if I revert back to my previous self?

I think I’m mostly scared that being with other people will trigger my insecurities again and drive me to “look good”, basically be accepted. And I know this tendency stems from all those childhood and teenage experiences (bullying, toxic masculinity, you name it; I will write the story again in this new blog when I have the chance to). But these past few months I’ve been rewiring myself to be content and at peace with myself, and there’s no chance I’m ruining that. So this past week every time I’m outside, I’ve been having this imaginary bubble I call my “personal energy”, to remind myself not to try to reach any state or present myself in any way. I think it’s been doing me wonders.

Being outside almost everyday, meeting friends, going shopping, getting back to dance training; I’ve been constantly surprised by how much I’ve grown and changed in my mental strength, and how content I feel about myself even in the (used to be) most triggering social situations. I’ve noticed that I’m more comfortable with my flaws and insecurities, appreciative of my warmth and kindness, and care less about what others think about me or the interaction we have. This is a big step coming from a self-deprecating and overthinking habit. And I couldn’t be proud of myself.

I think it all comes down to the habit that I’ve been building recently: positive self-affirmations. As cheesy as it sounds, I’ve been saying appreciations to myself as much as I can. “You’re amazing Reinhard”, “I’m so proud of you” “You did a great job today”. Giving myself pats on the head and shoulder as I would do to someone dear. Even when I make mistakes, “It’s alright, you tried your best, we can always try again!” “I’m still proud of you for trying” “That’s a bit awkward, but that’s okay. Don’t think too much okay?”. In a sense, I’ve been trying to be my own best friend. Cause I think in the end, the one who we would always have in any points of life is ourselves. So might as well make ourselves the best support we could have. Small thing, but it’s been affecting me in such positive ways and I can’t wait to see the long-term manifestations.

So yeah, my first week out of lockdown went by just like that. I made a video project with my team in Melbourne, Ascendant Dance Company. I was anxious meeting and interacting with them again as I’ve always been. But these people made my transition back to normal life so much easier. I started to feel comfortable with them, and I think it’s also cause I’ve changed my mindset. I remembered the first time I came to Melbourne, I was hell-bent only on building my dance network, pursuing my dance portfolio, etc. But I think as I’ve realised there’s more to dance than just those; and as I’ve realised the value of friendship more during lockdown, my intentions shifted from seeing dance just as a “project” of my life, to a gift that connects me to a lot of amazing people and friends. And I’m very grateful for all these wonderful friends I’ve made along my journey.

Now before I hibernate in the next week and continue easing in to “normal life” (with new mental strength and self-love).. I feel like saying gratitude towards the LTDL Training that I was in on August, to Arnel Calvario and my LTDL Delta Fam. It was a platform where I understood myself more and learnt the importance of self-affirmations and self-care, as well as connecting with people. I am also grateful for all the friends that spent hours on Zoom calls with me to listen to me, let me listen their stories, and most importantly, resonate with each other.

Thank you, universe.

Thank you, Reinhard. I’m so so proud of you.

Hai, namaku Reinhard.

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Artwork by @delavril

Hi, I’m Reinhard Budiman Onggowijaya Sugiharto. Reinhard for short. I’m an Indonesian, currently studying in Melbourne, Australia.

I am a dancer, writer, psychology graduate, digital media student, and social media manager. I am a proud gay Indonesian man. An ENFP/ESFJ depending on the situation (and I think I’m turning to an I). I spend my spare time dancing, coffee-ing, watching series on Netflix, writing, or calling my friends.

I’ve been writing since I was a teenager, 2009 to be precise. Writing has been a therapeutic platform for me to express even things I couldn’t comprehend. From this super emo blog (2009-2011) to this one (2011-2020). My blog has been the witness of my life journey as I go through the essence, adversities, and advantages of my human experience. Changes, progressions, character development, depression, euphoria, loving, hating, condemning, accepting. These slices of life has given empowerment to some people (as well as cringe for some others haha), and I guess it’s what keeps me going. I always try my best to allow myself to be bare and vulnerable as I write, and that way I hope we can resonate somehow. We’re all humans after all, hey?

I write in English and Bahasa Indonesia. I can honestly admit that my English writing skills might not be as sophisticated as it’s not my first language, but English has been giving me broader word choices that I’m not able to express in Bahasa Indonesia so I use English more.

This new blog is started during Coronavirus pandemic in 2020. Spending months of lockdown here in Melbourne has put me through hell, but at the same time a lot of reflections and self-discovery. I’ve gained deeper understanding about myself, and I can feel that a new chapter is starting soon. So here goes. :))