26 years of living, going in and out of relationships, I’ve learnt a couple lessons. One, love is a fleeting thing that fades away if not nurtured. Hence, soulmate isn’t real. Two, even when it fades, it’s still there. It just changes to a different form.
Loving someone and being loved in return is something rare and precious. When you meet someone who feels the same way as you do, keep them with all your might. A lot of times, you only understand how precious someone was when they’re gone. So never take any love and relationships for granted.
Commitment is not a play. When you say you commit to someone, you share a part of you that you can never take back. So be very cautious before you start something with someone. Feeling is not something to take light of, both yours and another’s.
I’m grateful for the chances to love and to experience being loved in return.
Thankful for those who nourished me with love at different points of my life. I wish you happiness in your journeys.
It’s the 5th lockdown here in Melbourne and today it was just announced that it will be extended for 7 more days. Having experienced this for the fifth time, people aren’t so surprised. The previous lockdown was extended for 2 weeks. And the one before that extended for almost a month. Last year alone, we endured 7month being locked down. At this point the word “lockdown” feels just like another rainstorm.
How I’m holding up? Honestly super fine. Have I told you? Ever since I moved to Melbourne, I started becoming more introverted- I enjoy spending most of my time with my personal energy. Especially since lockdown became a thing. It’s also because of the social anxiety that I have. Not as bad as before, but it’s still there. So lockdown is not something that I despise so much, at least not when it’s less than two weeks. If anything, it brings me more financial harm because dance classes don’t happen during lockdown. Well, also productivity. I get lazy, I watch series too much and wanna lay in bed all day. The worst part is that it gives me excuse to slack off because everybody’s on the same page and there are heaps of people lazier than me these days. Not a good excuse, Reinhard.
On the other side, I’ve also realised that this thing is eating at our youth, our productive age. With everything in the world slowing down (events, opportunities, etc.) and our age keep going at the same pace, I just can’t help to wonder if I’ll become too old to do anything once this is all over. The ultimate question is, when these things will be over. No one freakin’ knows. I could be 36 when I finally can go back to Indonesia to meet my family again (that is, if I stay here in Australia). The uncertainty of it is what makes it quite stressful.
Oh well, that means we just have to adapt to this situation and try our best to maxmise the time that we have, the best we can.
After 7 months in lockdown, we’re finally free from lockdown. It’s been more than a week now, and Melbourne is a lively city once again. Although there are still some restrictions and rules, lots of people could finally be reunited with their families and friends. How I wish I could meet mine. Hopefully the border will also be open soon.
My first week out of lockdown has been draining, and fulfilling at the same time. The ease of restriction was announced so suddenly that I didn’t get a chance to prepare mentally, socially, and emotionally. I felt like I was just getting used to being with myself and my personal energy, learning how to love myself; and now I have to go back to sharing my energy with people. I felt insecure and anxious. I’ve grown so much during the lockdown, but what if I revert back to my previous self?
I think I’m mostly scared that being with other people will trigger my insecurities again and drive me to “look good”, basically be accepted. And I know this tendency stems from all those childhood and teenage experiences (bullying, toxic masculinity, you name it; I will write the story again in this new blog when I have the chance to). But these past few months I’ve been rewiring myself to be content and at peace with myself, and there’s no chance I’m ruining that. So this past week every time I’m outside, I’ve been having this imaginary bubble I call my “personal energy”, to remind myself not to try to reach any state or present myself in any way. I think it’s been doing me wonders.
Being outside almost everyday, meeting friends, going shopping, getting back to dance training; I’ve been constantly surprised by how much I’ve grown and changed in my mental strength, and how content I feel about myself even in the (used to be) most triggering social situations. I’ve noticed that I’m more comfortable with my flaws and insecurities, appreciative of my warmth and kindness, and care less about what others think about me or the interaction we have. This is a big step coming from a self-deprecating and overthinking habit. And I couldn’t be proud of myself.
I think it all comes down to the habit that I’ve been building recently: positive self-affirmations. As cheesy as it sounds, I’ve been saying appreciations to myself as much as I can. “You’re amazing Reinhard”, “I’m so proud of you” “You did a great job today”. Giving myself pats on the head and shoulder as I would do to someone dear. Even when I make mistakes, “It’s alright, you tried your best, we can always try again!” “I’m still proud of you for trying” “That’s a bit awkward, but that’s okay. Don’t think too much okay?”. In a sense, I’ve been trying to be my own best friend. Cause I think in the end, the one who we would always have in any points of life is ourselves. So might as well make ourselves the best support we could have. Small thing, but it’s been affecting me in such positive ways and I can’t wait to see the long-term manifestations.
So yeah, my first week out of lockdown went by just like that. I made a video project with my team in Melbourne, Ascendant Dance Company. I was anxious meeting and interacting with them again as I’ve always been. But these people made my transition back to normal life so much easier. I started to feel comfortable with them, and I think it’s also cause I’ve changed my mindset. I remembered the first time I came to Melbourne, I was hell-bent only on building my dance network, pursuing my dance portfolio, etc. But I think as I’ve realised there’s more to dance than just those; and as I’ve realised the value of friendship more during lockdown, my intentions shifted from seeing dance just as a “project” of my life, to a gift that connects me to a lot of amazing people and friends. And I’m very grateful for all these wonderful friends I’ve made along my journey.
Now before I hibernate in the next week and continue easing in to “normal life” (with new mental strength and self-love).. I feel like saying gratitude towards the LTDL Training that I was in on August, to Arnel Calvario and my LTDL Delta Fam. It was a platform where I understood myself more and learnt the importance of self-affirmations and self-care, as well as connecting with people. I am also grateful for all the friends that spent hours on Zoom calls with me to listen to me, let me listen their stories, and most importantly, resonate with each other.
Reinhard Gouw's Journal 